This past week has been very difficult for me. I struggle everyday to leave the room, today was the hardest. I contemplated staying in and caving but if did, how will I explain it to my family I am depressed? That’s not acceptable my family is all about the accept the things you cannot change and do something about the things you want to change. Weakness and heaviness is not in their DNA. But I am adopted I guess my biological family infected me with the mental illness DNA, and couldn’t handle it. So fucking irresponsible which explains why I can’t be independent. What triggered this feeling is dinner time, I heard their voices before going in and I felt like an outsider. Deep crippling pain, my tears and lips are about to betray me. I think later on its my fault I could’ve had a family but I was too scared, I think I still am terrified.. But that’s a good thing, right? I completely realized and comprehend the heaviness of this responsibility. I don’t know if u am thinking rationally or is it me finding more excuses or worse reasons to blame myself.

pouring it all out

I used to think I was easy going, go with the flow kinda gal. But I am not; I get extremely irritated and anxious when plans get changed abruptly. A person could offer a perfectly good excuse, yet I still feel the same way. Not sure if it’s because of my abandonment issues, a reason I used to dismiss completely. Somehow this term invites more self-pity, unconsciously saying I am the victim of my biological mother throwing me out. It is rarely ever my biological father. It’s either my mother or grandmother in my scenario leading up to me being adopted. I might be a product of shame so my grandmother throws me out to protect the family reputation, and in my head I could be Anastasia; statistically that very unlikely. Other scenario is that my mother is mentally unstable and ill, so she wanted to give me a healthy normal life and environment to grow up in, so she gave me up to a wealthy family. This will explain why I am such a bipolar or is my bipolar tendency a result of my childhood environment that she put me in. how do I feel about all that?. I recently was wondering why some adoptees never consider looking for their biological families, it’s because they are happy; they had a normal childhood aside from being adopted; they had the parents; sibling, a normal setting, no one died no one psychically or sexually or emotionally abused them. I live a good life; I don’t live in a war zone or in the streets. Yet I still crave this normal family lifestyle that I never got to experience the way I saw families around me did. Do you know when sometimes you think of some silly incident like someone mentioning ‘she never left the room cause she was shitting all day’ to people you are not comfortable with and then you end up later on studying this remark and why would she say it and somehow you end up remembering things being said to you growing up like ‘no one wanted you that’s why I took you in’, ‘I will never love you the way I love my biological relatives’ hour or two passes and you find yourself in a deep hollow hole, past comes back again and takes me down every time I decide to hold the positivity umbrella, somehow the umbrella turns into a shovel at the end of each day. I do realize it is a bad metaphor but I am no New York bestselling writer. So back to where I was in that hole looking up seeing the light, hearing voices. I contemplate for minutes to sit, I am tired, and this feels familiarly safe. But I am scared if I did I will never leave this time, what if she was saying the truth? What if she leaves? Or what if she throws me out? These thoughts makes me heavier, although I am scared of the answers, the questions puts me in this dark haze, that seems to be mixed with sleeping pills and I inhale it all for days, weeks.. Till I wake up one day to look for food and I see people I used to know are married, delivered a baby, started working.. And I am looking for nachos and jalapeños.  I can’t go back to that, I am not getting any younger, I am nearly 30 lived all my life feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for others, being hard on myself and easy going with others. These are the potions of self destruction; those are the potions I took for a long time they became air. Its growingly tiring to hold my breath and not let them in.. Cynicism can be disturbingly comforting. But I think I am better; I have a healthier mindset because somehow reading and writing about my insecurities and my last year official rock rock bottom experience with depression opened my mind, I am scared now more of going back than I am scared of people and my past.

No answers

Do you really ever move on from the unknown.. Let go of it.
How am I suppose to move forward when I don’t have all the pieces of my past.. Aren’t I suppose to have a clear picture when I look back.
I don’t want to be 50 and single, still wondering where I came from, still angry… Still asking questions while looking for an overdose.

Adoptee issues I suppose

Vacation is a breather from reality. When you travel you forget about the little things that stings the most, the little things that when put together and repressed create an illness of self worthlessness.

Is it okay to feel discriminated; unintentionally of course. Example, your biological parent or family holds more visible affection to their flash and blood.
Is it okay to feel discriminated; intentionally. Because it’s the norm to put your biological ken front and you on the back.
Is it ungrateful of me to feel hurt by it? Or is this normal?
Should I confront them about how I feel or is it a waste of time?

Nothing to say.

So confrontation is around the corner, there is a deadline now. I can’t runaway from it, It will look like I didn’t grow from my experience. I need to talk like a grown up and act like one while saying I made a mistake.
Reasons are:
A) I had all this pressure of wanting to do great at work, although i hated it, although I wasn’t comfortable with mixed environment.
All because I wanted to make them proud, I wanted to seem smart.
I wanted to feel reliable and be finally great at something.
My family tried to make it as easy and as comfortable as possible but I still couldn’t handle the pressure and anxiety of the work environment.
B) family issues were at the highest in my experience. Couple separation is scary especially when there are kids involved. I was attached to the kids, I might not be their parent or aunt but I was very close. Voicing my opinion, and saying what actually happened to clear the issue, did not help my situation at all. I had a lot of attention on me for saying anything at all. Some shocked and disappointed, others pleasantly surprised. But by the time they reunited it effected me Mostly, kids that I used to feed them, bathe them at times, the kids I used to play with them almost daily aren’t allowed to come anywhere near me, no hugging, no kissing. I am maternal person, and I have attachment issues. What was even worse was that I have abandonment issues and I was worried that saying anything means I will be shunned.
C) one of my abusers who is adopted just like I am, finally found his birth parents and they welcome him with open arms and all that happy ending shit. I usually am happy for people when they finally find what they want. But this is the second time, the second abuser was my adoptive sister and she molested me as well and got her reunion as well. What does that say or mean? Why me? Why them?
D) my health issues were at it worst, due to emotional stress, I have IBS and I dropped a lot of weight, blood pressure was low from losing so much fluids.

My doctor said it’s from stress my therapist said it’s from depression and anxiety. But I am healthy, safe and have everything I need. How can you explain that you thought anti depressant would help and think this time you can stop if it got out of hand. How can you explain your thought process when you can’t exactly recall exactly how it happened. I had a panic attack and the next thing you know I am sitting facing my psychiatrist asking him to help me get better.

Anti depressant aftermath

After going through a mental breakdown and completely shutting down for almost a year. I finally saw the silver lining ‘healed’ people can’t shut up about.
Taking prozac and xanax was not all bad, even though I’ve abused the medication I did get some emotional and mental clarity eventually.
Living under the anti depressant cloud for almost two months, made me realize few things that were there all along. But maybe holding on to common, accepted and relative negative issues was easier. To who struggles with depression and anxiety understand how comfortably numbing a pool of pain can be after living under it all these years.
So here are a few of what I noticed:
I’ve noticed that I’ve made a big deal out of people and situation that didn’t need all the fuss and fluff.
I noticed that by practice I can slowly drop objects and people of my surroundings while talking to someone or working on something in order to focus.
I noticed that my therapist was right all along; I was in fact hard on myself, I was effected and I am part of it.
I noticed that my default setting is based on excluding myself and diminishing my feelings.
I noticed that I have the right to say No.
I noticed that gratitude can be abused by no one else but myself.
I noticed I am ashamed that I am adopted.
I noticed that saying this is mine is not always selfish.
I noticed that I did not have to take it when people throw negative words on me.
I noticed I am an addict of anything that is damaging and can give me any no matter how little or short exhilaration.
I noticed I was at times a bully.
I noticed that it’s not too late.
I noticed I am pretty.

No! You’re out of order!!!

Seeking approval from others gives you a momentary satisfaction, that usually disappears as soon as you are left alone with your thoughts and realize it was yes and not no. But you can’t go back, because then you will be faced with even a more difficult question ‘then why did you say no?’ Because I need you to love me and respect me. I can’t do that, I can’t show people how superior and better than me I think they are.
Lately though I find myself a bit different, I even started to get the ‘you changed’ remarks but now it rarely follows up with the painful pinch in my heart that makes me wanna be whatever you think i should be.
It will definitely take time and patience. I will definitely have fights with myself to go back to my normal setting. But hopefully and I am actually optimistic that this time I will win my ‘choice’.

Birthday party for one

It’s my birthday! No one remembered or no one bothered to remember or no one cares. Birthday wishes or small gestures for your birthday makes you feel special. Specially when you notice how family and friends remember each other’s. It’s silly, yet makes me bitter and sad that not even one person recalled my day. Maybe am a horrible person or maybe I should fine someone who will remember.
I will blow my candle in my bathroom naked and eat the cake naked. Take a really good look at myself and decide what needs to be changed and improved.
Value me is first. Value who values me is second. Will come up with the rest of the list after eating the cake.

Why did you leave?

It’s hard not to feel neglected when someone leaves. It could be nothing, reasons could be obviously unrelated to you. But I guess when neglect and abandonment issues is rooted in your core, it’s hard not to go through the stages of
why me?
Why did you leave?
It must be me.
I was not good enough.
There is always better.
I should’ve done this and that
Is it because I’m ugly? Dirty? Of no use?
Can I ask why? Deep down I am too scared to ask, I won’t get the answer that will heal me and get the answers that tormented my thoughts ever since childhood.
Because it’s Blood
Because she is better, prettier, cleaner, neater, smarter, healthier..